A Beginner's Guide to the British Summer

The UK summer; how to cope with our rare rays of sunshine.

Jun 23, 2009

This article is the saviour of Britain. With the threat of a rainless Wimbledon and lobster faces everywhere, it provides a set of tried and tested survival techniques.

For both the man who wants to take the fight to global warming, or retreat from its sweaty talons, here are a few pieces of advice. If you like the sound of the former, then do as this simple sermon suggests. Go out and buy half a pigs worth of, well, pig. Invest in a temporary barbeque and three crates of beer while you're at it.

Take the fight to the heat; have a healthy barbeque on your patio!

Ignoring every possible advert for absurdly cheap sun tan lotion possible, return to your lodgings and assemble the ingredients on the garden patio. You then simply locate a good plastic chair, crash out in it and turn purple in defiance. You will not be defeated by this 38`-degree furnace.

Should this sound both costly and painful, and you're a bit more chilled out than all that, there is an alternative. Stay in. Fling the curtains open. And the windows. Every single one, including the miniature one in the downstairs toilet. Find every fan you've ever bought no matter what shape or size, and strategically position around a now fully aerated living space.

This believe it or not still often isn't enough, some flip-flops, swimming trunks and a billabong fishing hat are your weapons of choice. Bucket of ice and beverages on hand, reminisce about how good the rain was yesterday.

Shirts off in this weather

There are parallels between these two otherwise very different approaches. At no stage in either may you wear a shirt. It just isn't advisable. In Milan you might be able to saunter around in an open-necked Jesus number, and not perspire a bead. You might've been able to do that.

That is completely unacceptable here in the UK. Many of us actively seek and enjoy being burnt to a crisp. As mentioned, if you choose to take this path you should either completely ignore buying lotion, or buy the wrong one. And if you do this, it's vital to remember to not put enough on.

If you went down route B, then that's even easier. Just forget to buy deodorant. No matter how much artificial air is gushing through your living room, you will still find time to sweat profusely as a result.

If you managed to complete or comply with either of these guides, then congratulations. You have officially experienced the British Summer! You can either now repeat this foolproof blueprint, or embellish upon it. For example, past advocates of Plan A have been known to change the default location of their own garden..to a beer garden! Next time: how to cope with July snow.

The copyright of the article A Beginner's Guide to the British Summer in Holiday Entertaining is owned by Tom Parmiter. Permission to republish A Beginner's Guide to the British Summer in print or online must be granted by the author in writing.